From the book The Multi-Orgasmic Couple
by Mantak and Maneewan Chia
Women have the capacity for virtually inexhaustible sexual pleasure. Yet, while all women have the capacity to have multiple orgasms, many do not experience them or do not experience them regularly. Why do some women have them while others do not? Why does the same woman have them sometimes and not other times? Certainly many women who didn't think that they could have multiple orgasms have discovered that they could as they have had new sexual experiences and new partners or have become more sexually experienced.
In Alfred Kinsey's famous studies of sexuality in the 1950s, only approximately 14% of women were multi-orgasmic. By 1970 the number of multi-orgasmic women had increased to only 16%. And even today far fewer women are multi-orgasmic than one might expect. Contrary to popular belief, currently only 15 to 25% of women are multiply orgasmic.
Recently an anonymous questionnaire was sent out to 805 college educated female nurses, which showed that a surprising 43% of the respondents had experienced multiple orgasms. So how did these women get so lucky?
What Do Multi-Orgasmic Women Do Differently?
This same study took an in-depth look at what characteristics differentiate those women who are multi-orgasmic from those who are singly orgasmic.
Multi-orgasmic women are more likely to masturbate and to have been orgasmic at an earlier age. While this could be attributed to some greater innate sexual drive, it is more likely that these women grew up in an environment that was more open to sexual exploration or were simply lucky enough to stumble on orgasms early in their life. One multi-orgasmic woman we interviewed for this book developed a great fondness for the bathtub faucet as a child after her first orgasmic experience there. She never refused taking a bath after that.
These early experiences of orgasm condition our body to become accustomed to having orgasms. Though we can't go back and change our childhood experiences, we certainly can now begin having more orgasms, which will condition our body to do so again and again. The body works by habit. We don't think a whole lot about driving when we're behind the wheel of a car or about brushing our teeth when we're getting ready for bed. Any patterned behavior is the same. With experience we develop habitual neural pathways by which our body knows how to operate. Orgasm is no different. The more you have it, the more you can have it.
Know Their Pleasure Spots:
Multi-orgasmic women are more sexually explorative. This doesn't mean that multi-orgasmic women need to be interested in sex toys or bondage. It simply means that they have explored (or allowed their partner to explore) their sexual landscape. They know the places on their body that make them swoon and that make them sing. As you do the exercises in this book and discover your pleasure points, you will know how to pleasure yourself and how to help your partner pleasure you.
Stimulate Themselves Physically and Mentally:
Multi-orgasmic women stimulate their clitoris during sex or have their partner do so. Since the clitoris is the key sexual organ for most women, it is absolutely vital that we stimulate it ourselves or have our partner stimulate it when we are trying to orgasm.
Multi-orgasmic women are also more likely to use vaginal stimulation when masturbating and more likely to orgasm with vaginal penetration from their partner. Not only do they optimize clitoral stimulation; they optimize stimulation of their sensitive vaginal spots.
They also more often seek and receive nipple stimulation and keep their mind stimulated by using sexual fantasies, erotic film and literature.
Ask for What They Want:
Multi-orgasmic women are able to ask for what they want or direct their partner's hands, mouth, or penis to where they want it. They are more likely to give and receive oral sex. They also stimulate or have their partner stimulate a variety of erogenous zones at the same time. They mix and match their stimulation, joining nipple stimulation with clitoral stimulation, clitoral stimulation with deep vaginal or G-spot stimulation.
It is not a mystery why these women are able to have multiple orgasms. They stimulate all of their most sensitive areas more frequently and have partners who are willing to do the same.
So what about you? Using tips from these multi-orgasmic women and the skills you have already learned, the following nine steps will help you have multiple orgasms whenever you want them. If you want to have multiple orgasms with your partner, it is a good idea to encourage him (or her) to read this short nine-step program. Your partner will be a much more able assistant if he has read these few pages.
Nine Steps to Multiple Orgasms for Any Woman
Step 1: You Must Believe
Orgasms do not happen between the legs; they happen between the ears. We know that this is true because even people who are paraplegic or quadriplegic and have no sensation below their belt still experience orgasm with stimulation of other parts of their body (for example, their chest or neck). Many women who think that they are unable to have multiple orgasms discover that this is not the case when they "accidentally" have a second orgasm. You have to believe that you can have more than one orgasm and consciously work toward it. Though it may take persistence to experience multiple orgasms the first time, remember that the more you do it, the easier and faster you will have them the next time.
Step 2: Turn On Your Mind
A woman's imagination is the primary instrument of her desire, so don't forget to use it. Remember that the more aroused you feel, the more sexual energy you have and the easier it will be to have multiple orgasms.
We explored what arouses you in the early part of the chapter. Don't forget to use this self-knowledge now. You can anticipate lovemaking with fleeting sexual touches or prolonged kisses during the day. You can also arrange the setting with lighting and scents that stimulate your sensual mind. If certain locations or times of day feel more erotic to you, then do it there and then. Sometimes a surprise afternoon appointment with your lover can be much more satisfying than sleepy bedtime sex.
If you like, explore erotic literature or film. Sharing these with your partner could be an enjoyable prelude to lovemaking. The stronger your fantasy life, the easier it will be to increase your arousal when you wish.
While fantasy is an important part of self-cultivation and lovemaking, fantasizing about someone other than your partner while making love with your partner can distract you from the exchange of energy taking place between you. Taoist lovemaking exemplifies the subtle blending of each other's sexual energies in order to renew each other's physical and spiritual strength. If you are not mentally present with your partner, this energetic exchange cannot take place. This doesn't mean, however, that you can't fantasize at all during lovemaking, only that you need to be emotionally and spiritually present with your partner. For example, you could imagine that the two of you are alone on a warm Caribbean beach instead of in your bedroom in Baltimore.
Step 3: Stimulate Multiple Pleasure Points
Multi-orgasmic women enhance their arousal by stimulating multiple pleasure points. Some of these (clitoris, G-spot) are so important that they will be discussed in detail below. You will have discovered your own hot spots in the body exploration at the beginning of the chapter.
If touching the curve of your ear makes you crazy or caressing the insides of your wrists makes you writhe, stroke these during self-pleasuring or let your lover in on the secret. Sucking on fingers or toes is a wonderful foreshadowing of more intense stimulation to come.
Many women find nipple stimulation extremely arousing. In fact, some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone. If you are someone who enjoys nipple play, it can be a tremendous source for increasing sexual energy. You can stimulate your own nipples during self-pleasuring or partnered sex. Most partners will find it highly erotic to watch you stimulating yourself.
Women differ greatly from one another in the sensitivity of their nipples and how they like to be touched. Some women always prefer a feather-light touch. Other women find rougher handling of their breasts and nipples, including nipple squeezing and pulling, hard sucking, and rolling of the nipples to be very erotic. In general, most women prefer lighter touches when they are less aroused and more intense touching when they are more aroused.
Sometimes having your nipples stimulated at the wrong time or in the wrong way can cause pain or nausea. It is important to demonstrate to your partner how you like to be touched and to give continual feedback – verbal or nonverbal - about what you like. If you are someone who does not have particularly sensitive nipples, keep in mind that, like any other part of your body, the more focused attention your breasts receive, the more sensitive they will become.
Remember that all bodily titillation will raise your ching, or sexual energy, and make it easier to crest over into second, third and even fourth orgasms.
Step 4: Follow The Way Of The Tongue
If vibrators are perhaps the easiest way for women to have orgasms during self-pleasuring, oral sex is probably the easiest way for women to have orgasms during sex with their partner. It's hard to surpass the intense pleasure of direct clitoral stimulation with the soft malleable surface of the tongue and the sucking of the mouth. In the 1950s oral sex was considered taboo in the United States, but since the sexual revolution in the 1960s and 1970s, oral sex has become widely accepted and frequently practiced.
Multi-orgasmic women enhance their arousal by stimulating multiple pleasure points. If vibrators are perhaps the easiest way for women to have orgasms during self pleasuring, oral sex is probably the easiest way for women to have orgasms during sex with their partner.
When Susan Crain Bakos interviewed multi-orgasmic women for her book Sexual Pleasures, she found that those women who did experience multiple orgasms typically had the first orgasm while receiving oral sex. They reported that they could more easily experience another orgasm after oral sex than they could if their first orgasm had occurred during intercourse or manual stimulation. "Their other 'secret' was varied stimulation; cunnilingus often followed by intercourse with simultaneous manual stimulation. Also, they frequently made subtle shifts in position to get the sensations where and how they wanted them." The tongue is a perfect instrument for stimulating the clitoris because it is strong, flexible, and soft.
Many more couples regularly practice cunnilingus now than they did forty years ago, but there are still couples who for various reasons do not make cunnilingus an active part of their sex life.
Discomfort with cunnilingus may be on the part of the giver or the receiver. Surprisingly, we find that most of the time women themselves are more uncomfortable with the idea of oral sex than are their partners. The major reason for this discomfort seems to be concern about having one's mouth or one's partner's mouth near the genital and excretory area. (In other words, "It's dirty down there.") It might be enlightening to know that the variety and concentration of bacteria in one's mouth easily rivals the concentration of bacteria on the perineum or vaginal areas. One is not going to "get dirty" by kissing one's lover's genitals. If you bathe regularly, your genitals are certainly clean enough for your lover to kiss.
The vagina cleans itself quite satisfactorily. Putting any other substances in it to "freshen" it only disturbs its healthy balance. We would not recommend douching at any time, unless recommended by your doctor, as it disturbs the healthy bacteria that live in your vagina.
You should avoid using soap on the genital area as the various additives and perfumes in soaps can be irritating to the sensitive skin of the vagina and genital area. Washing off with water as part of general bathing (and before oral sex if you'd like) is usually sufficient. Using a cup of water to wash off while sitting on the toilet or in the bath or shower is quick and easy. (Detachable showerheads are also helpful, but watch out for the shower massage - you may not get out!)
Each woman's vaginal secretions have their own unique scent. This scent changes throughout the month with hormonal fluctuations and can even be affected by what you eat. For most men the smell of a woman's genitals is pleasant and for many even a turn-on. There are biological and evolutionary reasons why this is the case. If your partner is "scentually stunted" or is turned off by your scent, try bathing together, and as a last resort you can substitute finger play for tongue play.
The only time that a woman's vagina has an unpleasant smell is if she has an infection. If you note that you have increasing discharge and/or foul odor, you should consult your doctor.
If your partner has not yet become a cunnilingus connoisseur, refer him to the couples chapter. For most men, it is not the idea or even the smell that keeps them from becoming adept at cunnilingus but the fear that they won't know what they're doing. You can be of great help in pointing out what feels good and showing your partner where you're sensitive. A little positive reinforcement can work wonders.
Step 5: Tease Yourself
The following method of teasing is a classic sexual technique that every woman should have in her sexual repertoire. It can greatly enhance sexual pleasure and increase the likelihood of orgasm and multiple orgasms. The technique is simple but very effective.
Arouse yourself or have your partner arouse you to a point of low to moderate desire, and then back off on the stimulation you are receiving so that your desire decreases somewhat but does not disappear completely. Then increase stimulation again so that your desire increases to above the level that it was at previously. Now back off slightly on stimulation again. Continue slowly increasing the level of your arousal and backing off slightly prior to orgasm. This will increase the intensity of your pleasure, and, when you do orgasm, your sexual energy will be very high. Immediately following orgasm, begin stimulation again to maintain your level of arousal. Using the stimulation and backing-off technique will allow you to build to another orgasm.
Some women find that their sensitive spots, be they vaginal, clitoral, nipple, or whatever, are hypersensitive at the time of orgasm or just after. If this is the case for you, have your lover stop stimulation for a short period of time (less than thirty seconds) but then continue to stimulate you. If you wait too long to restart stimulation after the first orgasm, your body may move into a refractory period, making a second orgasm less likely.
While this method of teasing can stoke your sexual fire, being teased for too long can be frustrating. If you are practicing this with your partner, be sure to communicate when your erotic suspense is turning to boredom and you want to move on to the next step.
Step 6: Go, Spot, Go
Earlier in the chapter we discussed the location of the G-spot. In addition to this famous spot, you may also have found other "spots" of your own. Remember that these sensitive spots are better found when you are fully aroused. Many women report having found their G-spot accidentally, sometimes after decades of intercourse with the same partner. It is more than worth your time to try different angles of penetration with fingers, penis, or dildo to see if you have any particularly sensitive areas of your vagina. Having vaginal in addition to clitoral stimulation greatly enhances the pleasure and likelihood of having multiple orgasms.
Many women find that their first orgasms come primarily from their clitoris while their later orgasms, when they're more fully aroused, occur more deeply in their vagina. These deeper orgasms can be extremely satisfying. Since different nerves carry the sensations from the vagina and the clitoris to the brain, some authors have suggested that vaginal orgasms are quite different from clitoral orgasms. The clitoral orgasm is more akin to the penile orgasm, with clitoral engorgement and repetitive contractions of the PC muscle. With the vaginal orgasm, the woman begins to have deeper contractions and pleasure spreading throughout the pelvis.
The Brauers studied women capable of having these deep vaginal orgasms and recorded their EEGs (which monitor brain waves). These tracings showed that women in the throes of deep vaginal orgasms have the same brain wave patterns as people who are in deep meditation.
These deep vaginal orgasms were well known to women in China who practiced the Tao. The Taoist egg exercises that have been used for centuries to strengthen a woman's vagina can enhance the experience of these orgasms (see the woman's chapter in The Multi-Orgasmic Man, "Satisfaction Guaranteed"). The sexual energy created by these orgasms can easily be circulated throughout the body to create whole-body orgasms, as will be discussed in chapter 3. The Taoists also believed these deep vaginal orgasms are extremely healing and could energize the rest of the body. We will discuss this more in chapter 5.
During intercourse, one of the best positions for stimulating the G-spot is to have the man enter the woman from behind, while the woman is on hands and knees or lying down flat on her stomach. This allows the man to move up over her in a more vertical position and to use slightly shallower thrusting to stimulate her G-spot. The G-spot usually lies only a few inches inside her vagina through the anterior (front) wall of her vagina. Another variation is to have the man on his back and the woman on top facing the man's feet. Still another variation is for the woman, when on top facing the man's feet, to recline back on her hands toward her partner's chest. In any of these positions, she can control the depth of penetration and guide his penis to stimulate her G-spot. Whatever method works best for you to stimulate your G-spot, this orgasmic trigger point is sure to help you double, triple, or quadruple your pleasure.
Step 7: Use Your PC Muscle
In the section on strengthening your PC muscle, we discussed at length the importance of this muscle to orgasmic potential. Contracting the PC muscle is one of the primary methods the Taoist sexual experts used to get sexual energy flowing in the body. When practicing the PC exercises, you may also have noticed that it increases your desire. When you contract your PC muscle during lovemaking it has the same effect, increasing your pleasure and moving you closer to multiple orgasms.
As your sexual energy rises with PC muscle contractions, your heart rate will increase and your breathing will shorten. Stimulating your clitoris or hitting a sensitive vaginal spot at this time will often push you over into orgasm. Since it is the PC muscle that contracts with orgasm, having a strong PC muscle will also make the pleasurable rhythmic contractions of orgasm more intense.
Here are several PC techniques to try that will pleasure you and your partner:
Stimulating the entrance: When your partner (or dildo) enters you, contract rhythmicallv around the head of his penis to stimulate the entrance to the vagina.
Suck your partner in: Have your partner slowly penetrate you while you rhythmically contract your PC as if you were sucking your partner into your vagina.
Squeezing during withdrawal: With regular in-and-out thrusting, squeeze your PC while your partner withdraws. This creates suction against your vaginal walls, which he can find quite pleasurable.
Staying deep inside: When your partner is deep inside you, have him remain still while you contract your PC muscle against him.
Contracting short and long: Using the traditional Taoist thrusting technique of nine shallow and one deep, squeeze briefly as your partner withdraws during the shallow thrusts. During the long deep thrust, sqeeze continuously as he slides in and out.
Like any exercise, these PC techniques can be difficult or tiring at first. Start slowly and do what is comfortable and pleasurable. With time, your increased strength and control of your PC muscle will add greatly to your orgasmic ability and your partner's pleasure.
Step 8: Stimulate the Clitoris and Vagina Together
Whether you are self-pleasuring or making love with your partner, make sure you optimize clitoral touch. In particular, a great many women require clitoral stimulation with intercourse in order to orgasm. As sex researchers Alan P. Brauer and Donna J. Brauer note, "When a man's penis is thrusting in a woman's vagina, he's directly stimulating his most sensitive organ [the head of his penis], but only indirectly stimulating hers." There are various ways to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse. Your partner can use his hands, which is easier in certain positions, such as woman on top or "doggie style," with the man behind.
Some women find it extremely pleasurable to have their clitoris rubbed by their partner's pubis during intercourse. This is easiest with you on top in a kneeling position so that you can direct the amount of pressure you want. This can also be done with the man on top if he places his pubis against his partner's clitoris. You can experiment with different positions to find which works best for you.
It is also more than okay to stimulate your own clitoris during intercourse. Most lovers find it highly erotic to see their partner stimulating herself to orgasm. If your partner feels left out, he can rest his fingers on yours or you can rest yours on his.
If it's your vibrator that really gets you going, there's no reason that you can't use it during intercourse. The vibrations might also stimulate your partner. If your partner feels territorial about having the only "long, hard thing" in the bedroom, you may want to explain that he is not being replaced, just complemented. Explain that since you have multiple pleasurable spots, it helps you to have more than one of them stimulated at the same time. You can also give him a turn stimulating you with the vibrator before or during lovemaking.
Step 9: Ask For a Helping Hand
If you're trying to experience multiple orgasms with self-pleasuring, this step does not apply since you can follow your own whims. However, most women who want to experience multiple orgasms also want to do so with a partner.
Asking your partner for what you need and want is vital to your ability to have multiple orgasms. It is worth remembering that the success of your sexual communication is dependent on your overall ability to communicate openly with your partner. What goes on in the bedroom (or wherever you happen to make love) is not separate from the rest of your life together. If you feel anger or resentment toward your partner, it will carry over into your sexual relationship. Try to resolve negative feelings before sexual exploration.
Your partner must also be interested and invested in your having multiple orgasms. Your lover needs to be willing to try different positions and types of stimulation and to listen to your directions (verbal and nonverbal) about what you need. If you sense some reluctance in your partner, remind him that the energy he invests will result in great rewards for your sex life as well as a much happier, more satisfied you!
On the other hand, some men are so personally invested in their partner having an orgasm (or many) that they see it as a lack of their own abilities if she does not. Although this attitude may be an improvement over the grunt-and-roll-over phenomenon, having a partner who is obsessed with your having multiple orgasms will not help you to do so. You must be in a playful and relaxed mood to have a second orgasm, which is difficult when the goal of multiple orgasms becomes all-important.
The pressure of having to have multiple orgasms to please him can prevent you from having multiple orgasms that please you. Remind him that your body is your body and your level of pleasure is not a reflection of his skill as a lover, your attraction to him, or your affection for him. Explain that, unlike chocolate and flowers, an orgasm cannot be given to you. You need to allow yourself to have an orgasm. Or to put it into guy language, you need to be the quarterback, and you need to call the plays.
From your experiences in self-touching and finding your sensitive spots, you should now have a good idea of how you like to be touched and stimulated. It is vital that you be able to communicate this to your partner during lovemaking. Most partners appreciate feedback about how they're doing. Remember that it can be frustrating for your partner to try to please you if he does not hear what you like or dislike.
Giving good feedback is a loving art. The bedroom is a vulnerable place, where we are naked both physically and emotionally. Be careful to focus on telling your partner what you like and what you want rather than on what you don't like.
For example, it is not usually as successful to say, "Stop that!" or "That hurts!" or "You're not doing it right!" The result is usually withdrawal and hurt feelings. If your partner is trying to please you, it is important not to be judgmental of his attempts. Criticism will dampen your partner's sexual desire as well as his or her desire to please you. If you don't like what your partner is doing, it is much more effective to say, "Try it a little more over here," or "A little lighter pressure. Yeah, that's good." As in any learning process, lots of positive feedback is always helpful.
If it is difficult to talk to your partner during lovemaking, or if it breaks your concentration on your pleasure, use nonverbal sounds and talk about it later. But don't forget to talk about it. As embarrassing as it might seem at first, it is essential to the strengthening of your sexual relationship (not to mention your relationship in general).
not you feel comfortable telling your partner what you want, don't forget the power of nonverbal sounds to direct your partner to the places and ways you'd like to be touched. Be generous with your moans, ooohs, and aaahhhs. Not only do they encourage the kind of touch you want; they turn your partner on, too. Most men consider their partner's satisfied sounds to be the greatest aphrodisiac.
Try out each of the nine steps alone or with a partner, then adapt them to suit your own rhythm and sexual tastes. The following exercise distills the nine steps into a helpful sequence for easy reference. All women have different preferences. You should explore any combination of the nine steps that works for you.
Finally, do not worry if you do not have multiple orgasms on the first try. Try to see your attempts to reach multiple orgasms as a playful, exploratory process that gives you great sensual rewards all along the way. Taoist sexuality is about increasing your pleasure and sexual energy and about harmonizing with your partner, which you do when you experience pleasure, whether or not you have an orgasm. While orgasms are wonderful, they are just peaks within a mountain range of pleasure.
Becoming a Multi-Orgasmic Woman
- You must believe you can have multiple orgasms. Choose a date and time for your multi-orgasmic play, and keep it!
- Turn on your mind. Create a sensual atmosphere for lovemaking and use your imagination or erotic literature/film to explore your fantasy life.
- Stimulate multiple pleasure points. Start with full-body caresses and move toward your hot spots: neck, ears, nipples.
- Follow the way of the tongue. If with a partner, begin with cunnilingus. If by yourself, use a vibrator for stimulating your clitoris. Also continue stimulating your other pleasure points.
- Tease yourself. With cunnilingus or with a vibrator, use the teasing technique of stimulating and backing off. Then have your first orgasm. Restart pleasuring yourself within thirty seconds.
- Go, Spot, Go! Move slowly to penetration. If with your partner, use positions that stimulate the G-spot (for example, man from behind with the woman lying on her stomach). If by yourself, use a vibrator or dildo to stimulate your G-spot.
- Use your PC muscle. Contract around your partner's penis or your vibrator or dildo, using whichever PC muscle technique feels good to you.
- Stimulate the clitoris and vagina together. Continue to stimulate your clitoris during penetration.
- Ask for a helping hand. Tell your partner what feels good and what you need. Now ride your pleasure to another wave of orgasm. Congratulations! You are a multi-orgasmic woman.
Missing the Big Bang: Overcoming Anorgasmia
While Taoist sexuality is not nearly as goal oriented as our Western view of sex, it does appreciate the importance of orgasm for health and pleasure. This section is for those women who are having difficulty experiencing the regular sexual pleasure that they want even after completing the exercises earlier in the chapter.
Our sexual desire waxes and wanes according to our overall health and the events in our life. However, women who have never been able to either by self-stimulation or with a partner, are considered to be "anorgasmic," or "without orgasm." The good news is that at least 90 percent of women who have never had an orgasm will be able to experience one.
Practicing self-stimulation and learning where you are most sensitive is the key to becoming orgasmic. All sex experts on anorgasmia recommend doing exercises as described at the beginning of the chapter to explore and stimulate your body. You should do these exercises in a relaxed way for at least a week before going on to try to stimulate yourself to orgasm. For some women, just the chance to explore their body without the pressure of having to orgasm allows them to relax and increase their sexual energy to the point that they can orgasm when they do try.
Don't forget about the importance of increasing your desire in a relaxed, sensual atmosphere. Consider using music, candlelight, erotica, movies, or literature as you feel comfortable. If after several weeks you are still unable to orgasm, consider buying a vibrator. The majority of women orgasm most easily with stimulation of their clitoris with a vibrator. However, you can certainly try to stimulate other vaginal spots, as discussed previously, as well. Try other means of stimulation also, such as the showerhead or a hot tub jet.
For many women it is the inability to relax their body and/or distracting repetitive thoughts in their mind that keeps them from experiencing orgasm. Orgasm requires letting go of rational thought and letting your body move as it wishes without your conscious control. This release of control is difficult for many people in our society. The belly breathing technique that we learned earlier is essential for relaxing your mind and body.
You should use the belly breathing technique whenever you begin to feel anxious or tense during your self-stimulation exercises. It will also help quiet nagging thoughts in your mind that distract you from your bodily pleasure.
Sharing Your Orgasms With Your Partner
Most sex therapists recommend using self-stimulation techniques until you can reliably have an orgasm by yourself. After experiencing orgasms by yourself, next you will no doubt want to have them with your partner. Most therapists recommend that, rather than hoping to have an orgasm during intercourse, you pleasure yourself to orgasm in front of your partner. This can be scary and embarrassing but is a wonderful way to show your partner what you like. Often this may feel more comfortable if your partner is willing to pleasure himself in front of you, too. This allows you to learn the techniques that he uses.
The next step is to do gentle touching with your partner without trying to orgasm. This can include sensual massage and sexual stimulation, the only requirement being that you remain relaxed and enjoy the experience. After a week or two of this non-pressured pleasure, have your partner pleasure you as you have been pleasing yourself all the way to orgasm.
All of these exercises require open and honest communication. If you have difficulty trusting your partner or cannot communicate about your pleasure, it will be difficult to experience orgasm together.
Since most women orgasm with their partner from stimulation other than intercourse, intercourse should be avoided until you are regularly able to orgasm while being touched in other ways. Remember, as we have said above, that using your fingers to stimulate yourself during intercourse is all excellent way to have an orgasm with your partner.
If you are still unable to orgasm there are many good places to find help. The book Becoming Orgasmic is a great place to begin. We would also strongly encourage you to seek counseling from a sex therapist. Often there are early life experiences that can keep us from our full pleasure. Do not be afraid of exploring what may have been negative experiences with sexuality as a child or young person. Uncovering these may be the door to your sexual freedom.
Finally, there are physiologic influences on women's ability to become orgasmic. These will he discussed in more detail in the next section. Do not give up hope! With time and persistence a1most all women are able to experience orgasm, and absolutely every woman can expand the pleasure she experiences during self-pleasuring and lovemaking.
Today we tend to see the mighty "0" as the be-all and end-all of sex. According to the Taoists, sex and the cultivation of sexual energy have a much broader and more important role as the basis of our vitality and health as well as our emotional and spiritual life, You can cultivate your sexual energy, feel great pleasure, improve your health, and expand the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your relationship even without having orgasms. In short, while we spend a great deal of time teaching men and women how to multiply their orgasms, orgasms are simply part of the larger process of expanding your sexual, creative, and energetic potential.