From the book:
Expanded Orgasm - Soar To Ecstasy At Your Lover's Touch
By Patricia Taylor, Ph.D
Get to Know the Female Anatomy
Pleasure is the goal, and truthful sharing is the path to the goal of expanded orgasm. The more you know about your partner's experience, the easier it will be to achieve this goal. With this reminder, let us talk about a woman's genital area. Consider these questions, alone and with your partner:
Women, when is the last time you got out a flashlight and mirror and took a tour of your private parts? Men, when is the last time you got a really good look?
Do you have a nice, loving name for this area? (I do, but since everyone's naming tastes vary so greatly, I will use the word "vagina" here, even if it sounds a little clinical.)
Is your vagina something you treasure, like a secret garden or great feast?
Please consider these questions seriously. No lecture is going to change overnight the feelings you have carried about a woman's genitals all your life.
Most likely, unless you have had some sensuality training, you will find you could have more positive answers to these questions. Wouldn't it be nice, for example, if you really did think of your vagina as a lush, fertile garden?
A Visit to a Woman's Genital Area
A major barrier to positive feelings in a woman's genital area is mystery. The vagina is often hard to see. The clitoris may be hard to locate. The whole area, surrounded in folds of flesh and mounds of hair, may seem intimidating. Ending the mystery is an excellent way to warm up genuinely to the landscape and the beauty of this territory. We strongly encourage men and women to become intimately familiar with the woman's genital area. I encourage you to privately journal your thoughts on the following questions, and, for extra credit, set up a sandbox with your partner to disclose and explore.
Women, how would you like to think of your genital area?
Men, how would you like to think of a woman’s genital area?
Linda observed the following:
"I had never examined my genital areas carefully. I was afraid to discover something I didn't like or want to see. Maybe, the skin around my genitals would be slimy, or feel like a slippery fish. Sam never looked there for long, so I figured that part of me must not be very attractive.
"I was assuming the whole experience of looking at myself was going to be unpleasant. I also knew that if I did nothing to reverse this attitude, certainly I wasn't going to like what I discovered. So before I even looked, I spent some time visualizing my private parts as something I would be proud to visit.
"What would they be? A mysterious fern cavern, dark, wet, lush, and moist? Or perhaps a seashell, vibrant with hues of opalescent pinks, pearly whites, and glistening rouges? I finally settled on being an exotic feast. My clitoris was a plump grape, my inner and outer lips succulent pear slices, and my insides, like the inside of a perfect melon. Suddenly, I wanted to visit myself. I spread myself out with a mirror in hand, and stared in fascination at everything I could find. I thought that I was so beautiful. Just looking helped me feel certain that my partner would also enjoy the chance to admire my luscious platter of delectables."
Activity: Learn More about Her Genitals
Remember, for all your exercises, we encourage you to set up a conceptual sandbox as a first step. Then, get a flashlight or other strong lighting source. Spend some time relaxing. When the mood seems right, "play doctor."
Did you know that very often a woman cannot identify many of the sensations she feels in her genital areas? A man can be stroking her in a precise location, and in a precise way, and she will not be able to tell whether he is on the left side or right side, or top or bottom of the clitoral area. Sometimes, she will even find it difficult to determine whether a man is giving her circular or up-and-down strokes! (You are really going to have to try this out for yourself to believe it.)
Men and women: Look carefully at the, parts of her vagina. Explore them with a slow and soft touch. Name the parts you should locate and name the outer lips, the inner lips, the mons pubis, the clitoris, the urethra, the introitus, and the anus.
To the partner, these are some of the types of movements that a woman can experience:
Location of touch: right side, left side top of clitoris, bottom of clitoris.
Types of movement: moving up and down, diagonally, elliptically, and with circular strokes.
Touch her in different ways. Identify what kinds of touches you are giving her. Then, continue to give her a range of touches and see if she can identify what you have done.
This exercise can be performed several times. The more you do it, the more a woman will develop a sense of where you are and what you are doing in her genital area. It will make it easier for her to request changes when she knows where you are now.
We encourage you in this exercise to use your hands. However, in a more advanced session, you might use your tongue or penis.
In this exercise, Sam and Linda found lots of ways to be sexually intimate and have fun at the same time. This fun was a welcome change to their old behavior patterns.
Linda was stunned to discover that she could not distinguish when Sam was giving her circles or up-and-down strokes. Nor could she tell whether Sam was on her right side or left side while touching her. After several times, Linda’s guess rate became far more accurate. In the process, she learned not only where Sam was, but also how to ask where she wanted him to place his finger next. She delighted in playing "the guessing game" and in improving her accuracy.
When a woman becomes aroused, her pelvic and genital areas fill with blood. This is called engorgement. This is the same phenomenon that makes a man’s penis hard, and we all know how much men enjoy having a firm penis. For both sexes, engorged genitals are capable of feeling more. Thus, a man will always want to get his partner engorged.
An engorged clitoris can be three times larger than an unengorged clitoris. Since an unengorged clitoris is often quite small, it can be hard to pleasure. Thus, by engorging the clitoris first a man makes it easier to find the clitoris, and the woman feels more pleasure. Men, think about what happens to your ability to feel pleasure when you are engorged. Do you need any more reason to always engorge her before proceeding with stimulation?
Activity: Study Engorgement
Set a goal of studying engorgement. Notice what unengorged genitals look like.
Men: Repeat the exercise of "playing doctor," having your partner identifying a wide variety of your genital strokes. This time, however, practice verbal acknowledgments while you investigate. Tell her exactly what part you are touching. Tell her every stroke you are making. Notice as you do this how her level of engorgement changes.
Her inner lips will begin to swell. Often one side will begin to change size first. Notice this and comment. For example:
"Now I am touching your outer right lip, near the top. I'm moving down slowly, toward your introitus. Now I am at the introitus. You're starting to lubricate. I see little glistening drops of moisture just starting to form. You look most inviting. Now I am going up your left inner lip. Your left inner lip has become larger than your right lip was, starting out. It is puffy and soft. Looks very inviting!"
She may begin having genital contractions, which look like subtle or not-so subtle clenching motions in her labia. Some women naturally contract more than others. Not all women are aware of any, some, or all contractions they are having. Starting out, if she is having contractions, they may be too subtle for her to feel, but easy for you to see visually. Note: contractions are not necessary for the experience of pleasure. Notice and enjoy them if and when they show up, but don’t worry if you don’t see them, either.
The coloring of her clitoris, lips, and introitus will also change from a light pink to a duskier rose. Eventually, as she becomes very swollen, they will often be dark red, or even purplish in color. Notice her color changes, her contractions, and anything else you can. Comment as you notice. A steady stream of comments is the most effective.
"Your clitoris is glistening like a pretty pink pearl. It is coming out to play." "Your lips are getting softer and fuller. They feel nice and cushiony."
"Your outer lips are about 50 percent more engorged than when we started lust ten minutes ago."
"The color of your inner lips has gone from a dark pink to a deep red.
"I see you are starting to contract very gently. There's one now. "There's another contraction. This one was stronger, too."
"Your clitoris has tripled in size since when I started touching you. I find that very attractive."
Men, when you put this kind of attention of a woman’s genitals, you are complimenting her and approving of her at a very deep level. You are supporting her in feeling sexually desirable and deserving of all the pleasure she can possibly consume.
Women, notice how it feels to be receiving so much feedback and attention. Communicate with your partner the pleasure you feel in receiving these gifts.
"A pink pearl...what a lovely image."
"Engorged? Already? That's great to know. Thank you."
"Yes, I can feel my outer lips swelling to reach for the wonderful sensations you are providing me. Please continue." "I am so enjoying all your descriptions of what is going on. You are focusing my attention on my pleasure in the nicest way.