Tantric philosophy has two seemingly different ideas about orgasm: the physical orgasm and the heart orgasm. At first appearance they may seem dualistic and contrary, but on closer inspection one supports the other perfectly.
On the one hand we are encouraged to be in our hearts 24 hours a day. That bliss-state can be equated to an orgasmic state of being with the energy transferred to all that we are and do during the day. In Tantra it is sometimes referred to as the "right hand path" because certain sects of practitioners achieve this optimum state of being through meditation, yoga, mantra chanting, and celibacy.
One the other hand, which is the "left hand path," sexuality is the vehicle in which one rides to achieve this same bliss-state. Sexuality is used as a form of yoga to go to the deepest spiritual levels one can attain. In other words, the orgasm is used as the gateway to recognize the bliss-state. The individual then has the proper tools to grow that recognition into a powerful path to consciousness.
Modern Tantra recognizes that there are several forms of orgasm. There is the clitoral orgasm, which tends to be very localized to the genitals. There is the vaginal orgasm, which mostly involves the G-spot and a few other locations in the vagina. There is the blended orgasm between the clitoris and the G-spot. This makes perfect sense because under the skin, the clitoris splits into two roots and these roots wrap around either side of the G-spot, which stimulates it directly. And there is the energy orgasm or heart orgasm.
Vaginal orgasms lend themselves to full body orgasmic potential when the breath, the mind and the orgasm itself all form a complete experience. When our bodies get this full-blown experience and when we practice enhancing it with different breath patterns, sounds and "right hand path" techniques, we have the potential to move into multiple orgasms and out-of-body sex. As we begin to go further into this practice one is able to begin to have full body orgasms, or energy orgasms, simply by breathing them, without any physical touch. This powerful energy is then much more available to us in our everyday life, sometimes by simply breathing!
When the two paths are blended the possibilities for personal growth extend exponentially and the dualism vanishes.
No Orgasms and Frustrated?
I’ve been married 16 years and I’ve never had an orgasm. My husband is extremely sexy, I am not. Vaginal, oral, anal and mechanical sex have all failed to produce one lousy orgasm. Masturbation is a failure. My husband is depressed, he says it’s his fault. Now we are both depressed. He masturbates a lot and I feel it’s just a matter of time before a mistress will appear. Do I retire to a monastery? BTW, I am a professional, good in my job.
The monastery won’t want you – you’re too frustrated for them!
This is no one's fault. Approximately 26% of all women report that they don’t experience orgasmic release. Interestingly, that number has fallen since the Sixties. It’s a frustrating problem that directly affects our self-esteem and relationships. We’re supposed to be good at sex, yet we live in a society that hides sexuality and, therefore, doesn’t mentor or educate its young adults in the ways of love and one’s own body. With rare exceptions, everyone must reinvent the wheel, so to speak, when it comes to learning about sexuality and sensuality.
My first reaction to your question was a sinking feeling that you have low self-esteem around body issues. I wonder if your husband and friends think you are un-sexy? You might confide in a friend or two and ask them for some tips on dressing, hair and ways of being that might help to make you feel more sexy. Since you are a professional you will see the value in seeking professional help. Please see a doctor of psychology that specializes in sexology also.
That said, here are some things for you to do that should help tremendously:
- You and only you are responsible for your pleasure. This means that you will have a little work to do (with the help of your husband if he’s willing), but you should be able to reap the rewards!
- Sit down and have a really good conversation about this with your husband. Be vulnerable and tell him your innermost feelings. Lack of communication is on the top of the list for causing libido problems.
- Stop beating yourself up. Not feeling adequate or good about yourself will only make things worse. You can learn to orgasm but it will take some concentration. For a little while I’d like you to have sensual times together that aren’t necessarily sexual. You can focus on him for part of the time if you wish, but have at least two thirds of the time together focused on you.
- Drop the focus on the big O for a while. Be sensual. Learn to receive. This is so hard for so many women! We give constantly and put ourselves last. Buy yourself some sexy lingerie. If you are willing, have your partner blindfold you and give you a sensual massage. The blindfold will ad a little suspense and newness and will allow you to focus on sensations more fully. Do not have expectations of sex when you do this. Explore your erogenous zones fully, be touched and learn not to do anything about it just yet except moan! Let your husband know that you are taking action and, if he is patient, you can produce some great results.
- Learn to relax. Take hot bathes at quiet times. Go a way for the weekend to a spa all by yourself. And I am suggesting you learn to meditate. Why? Because one of the other number one things that get in the way of the orgasmic response in women is worrying. We can’t get the kids, bills, phone calls, groceries, business, and on and on off of our minds. This is a big one. Meditation, as little as twenty minutes, three times a week, will give you a wonderful new tool to draw on for relaxation.
- Re-learn breathing. Sounds funny, but a lot of us breath into our chests instead of breathing into our bellies. We women are taught to suck in our waists and that action promotes very unhealthy patterns of breathing. Chest breathing is fight or flight breathing and causes us to be anxious. Deep belly breathing facilitates relaxation and calm. Lie down for only five minutes everyday and practice breathing deeply into your belly. Let the in breath actually raise your belly. Relax your whole pelvic region while doing this exercise. Practice this breathing method while you are having sex. And don’t stop breathing as you become sexually excited. Holding your breath while trying to reach higher states of sexual excitement will only stop the action. This is very important.
- Learn and do your Kegel exercises. I can not stress how important this is. Once you’re good at them you will actually be able to turn yourself on! Build up to 200 at a time. This sounds amazing but it takes 5 – 6 minutes and can be done while you’re driving, sitting at your desk, in a meeting - you get the picture. This facilitates the flow of blood to your genitals and they keep your pelvic flour muscles health. If you do these twice a day you are going to notice a difference. Your genitals will be on your mind! This will juice you up and prime the pumps, so to speak.
- Learn about your clitoris. Here’s a fun exercise. Lie on your bed with your partner at your side. On your back, spread you legs open wide and relax. Take in a few deeply relaxing breaths. Now, as your partner watches, take your index finger with a lot of good quality lubrication on it and feel your clitoris gently on all four sides. I know it’s small, but you can do this. Notice if one area or side feels more excitable than another. You’ll be interested to know that, on most women, if you use the analogy of a clock, the 10:00 or 2:00 positions on their clitorises are the most sensitive, by far. Most women don’t know this. It’s such a tiny area that most of us think that the nerve bundle (all 8,000 nerves to be exact!) covers the whole thing. Not true. You will most likely be much more sensitive at one of these points than the other. When you have focused in on which it is, have your partner touch you softly so that you might guide him to the exact spot! As you move into say, oral sex, make sure you are in a position that actually focuses on this area. You should have much better results!
Our greatest sex organ is our mind, not our genitals. When we learn about our own sexual response cycle and give ourselves permission to have pleasure we open up new worlds. Taking charge of your sexual pleasure will empower you in many ways. Good Luck.