Q: My fiancé and I do not have regular sex--perhaps once every two months. It's not so much a case of a lack of passion or attraction for each other (although the lack of intimacy is contributing to a decline in our desire for each other), but rather a factor that seems to be a physical sexual problem.
Usually during intercourse, she begins to feel a burning, rubbing sensation (lack of sufficient lubrication?) Also, I am apparently too large for her, as she commonly strains against the pressure and pain. Understandably, our lovemaking rarely lasts beyond these painful sensations because she can't continue.
Some time ago, sex was more regular, but she felt guilty for not enjoying it (due to the physical problem). It's now become something we rarely even talk about because we've almost given up the idea that our lovemaking can be beautiful again. She's no longer interested in trying, as she feels inadequate. I've searched every resource I can think of for potential solutions, but most of them aren't even attempted, because now she feels that she simply CAN'T perform naturally.
We have a deep love for each other, and until about a year ago, lovemaking was wonderful most of the time. I'm feeling somewhat desperate. Can Tantra offer any aid for her, for me, and especially for us?
A: I'd like to make a couple of suggestions to address your issues. First, start communicating about how you are feeling, rather than trying to solve the problem. Be honest and vulnerable, stating that you are missing the sexual connection with your sweetheart and concerned about the pain she is experiencing.
Next, refocus your erotic play from intercourse to making love with hands and lips. Use a lot of lubrication. Try several brands to find one that you both like and that is non-irritating to your partner. Take your time, go slow, and talk with each other about what feels good. And remember, in order to maximize pleasure, go slow, take your time, be present with yourself, your breath and your partner. In other words, focus on the journey not the destination.
