In looking at this issue as problematic, we must be careful to avoid making our partner "wrong" or "right." This can create feelings of "brokenness" and separation and thence we tend to want to "fix" it. This can also set up structures of a feeling of hierarchy (I am better, or I can do it right and you can't) and imbalance.

Therefore, from a more positive viewpoint, a constructive attitude to adopt may say that he is just cautiously opening up to you. He is taking the proper time he needs to feel increasing trust in you and acceptance from you. The more trust and acceptance you can give him, honoring his process and timing, the more his pleasure can unfold, gently, safely and freely. This is true for both men and women. You may find that you gently want to explore together non-coital and coital ways to relax into your pleasuring together, with no expectations, setting aside any goals, other that to give and receive pleasure from one another.

Where there has been sexual abuse, your partner may be experiencing lots of conflicting beliefs and attitudes about sex. Through professional therapy, and with understanding on your part, he can start to look at and sort through them to determine what works for him and what doesn't. This is where change/transformation can begin to take place. It is important when these issues come to his/your attention (i.e., through an emotional reaction), to remember that this stuff has nothing to do with you and to try not to take it personally. It would be most helpful if you can maintain an objective perspective, a sense of calm, and hold a loving, supportive attitude as much as possible, giving him permission to express is feelings in appropriate ways.

In actual practice between the two of you, another more Tantric perspective to consider, and to ease some of the tension around it, is to redefine the word "orgasm."

A concept that has worked well with a lot of my clients is that every pleasurable experience can be perceived as an orgasm. From allowing yourself to feel the pleasure of a breeze brushing over your skin, or the warmth of the sun, or a gentle caress -- all the way to the highest, most intense "orgasm" of sexual energy (which may or may not include ejaculation). It is just a matter of degree. Then you can begin to explore how much pleasure you can find in the smallest experience. What a lovely way to experience life, eh? With this viewpoint, I bet you could then say that he does experience some level of orgasm/or pleasure.

Many Westerners do not realize that orgasm and ejaculation are actually two distinct experiences, which we can have either separately or simultaneously. When Tantric teachers talk about full body orgasms and multiple orgasms for men, these are climaxes that are experienced without ejaculation that can progressively elevate us to ever-increasing levels of ecstasy throughout the entire body, the only limitation being how high and far we feel comfortable allowing ourselves to fly in any given moment. Therefore, if your boyfriend is experiencing pleasure in your sexual interaction (without ejaculation), then actually this is a skill that millions of men only dream of. Tantric exercises can help both men and women to re-train the body to find and explore these different ways of experiencing sexual pleasure. These exercises can teach you how to channel arousal energies throughout the body (full body orgasm) so that they don't stagnate in the genitals or elsewhere in the body (which has been know to cause "blue balls," headaches, and other symptoms of muscle tension and blocked arousal energy).