In our fantasies many of us dream about being pleasured to ecstasy by the beloved. In reality, many women believe few men have the knowledge or patience to accomplish this deed. My feeling is that many men really want to give to women. Unfortunately, we don't know how to receive their love.
A curious paradox of our culture is that we have all been taught that to give is better than to receive. The result is a nation of givers, with few who feel comfortable or accustomed to receive. Witness even the simple situation of being complimented. Most people will point out their short-comings or say that someone else is more deserving rather than just let the praise in and say "thank you."
If it is better to give than to receive, that implies that giving is good and receiving, not so good. I know for myself this transferred into the bedroom where, my partner would want to give to me sexually. In the beginning I would feel guilty, selfish or greedy when he would spend a lot of time on me. There's no way his touch could feel really good when I was already in doubt about my goodness. I felt extremely uncomfortable being the focus of so much attention. I was accustomed to pleasing the man. That was easy. I knew what to do. But to just receive his kisses and strokes and not try to "do" anything back! Suddenly, I felt like I was under a microscope. I got performance anxiety. Surely I was taking too long. He must be getting tired. . . or bored. What if I don't feel enough? What if I don't orgasm? What if I look awkward? What if I'm too tense? What if I make strange noises?
Yet, in order to give, someone must receive. Gracious receiving is a gift to the giver. Receiving loving touch is an art which can bring us unimaginably closer to each other and to the God and Goddess within each of us. Sexual receiving consists of two main parts: technique and communication. Both can be learned and practiced on our journey to expansive loving.
A woman's skin has more nerve endings than a man's, which may be why most of us like to be touched all over, not just on the primary arousal areas, before being entered. This can be done with hands, tongue, feathers, scarves, etc., and with or without oil. A woman's Yoni, or sacred space, is like a closed flower, sleeping, which must be coaxed open each time. Direct (Yang) stimulation usually causes a woman's sexual energy to retreat. However, a light touch (Yin) usually causes her energy to become curious and so moves her toward the source adventurously.
Once a woman begins to relax and open, her juices usually begin to flow, signaling her increased arousal. Not all women produce copious fluids, especially after menopause. A personal lubricant is often useful. However, Tantrikas recommend that before entering her Yoni with either fingers or lingam, a man shows great respect by asking her permission to enter. (This does not just mean the first time! It means always!) Or, you can set up a non-verbal signal system so that at least it's not a guessing game.
Obviously, the giver must learn some techniques. He can start with just a few simple ideas. With good communication skills, the receiver can guide without dictating. In my estimation, what doesn't work is judgment and criticism. "That doesn't feel good. I don't like that. You never do it right. Why did you change what you were doing?" Men are emotionally sensitive and usually don't know what to do with their emotions, so they withdraw when they feel incompetent or made wrong. Feedback is essential and the way remarks are phrased makes a world of difference. Gratitude and encouragement usually move things in a satisfying direction.
Exerpted from Sacred Love Letter, by John Hill.
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