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My husband is no longer interested in sex, What to do?
Johanina Wikoff
Q: My husband and I have been married for 20 years and we have 3 children. He owns his own business and works long hours. He has a lot of stress and a few health problems and he needs to stop smoking. He recently lost 47 pounds through diet and has lowered his cholesterol by 100 points, but he's still smoking so the doctor put him on Zyban to help curb the urge. Here is where I think the problem lies with our lack of sex or intimacy.
I would love to spend more time with him and enjoying each other. I am willing to try new things to bring us closer together as a couple. He seems to have a lack of interest and never will approach the subject of sex. I have been making all of the advances as of late and now feel something must be wrong with me as his lover. When we have sex, it is great!! Because we have known each other for so long we can try new things, feel closer than before, etc. But he is never ready to go, so to speak, and I have to do a lot of stimulation (which I don't mind) just for him to get an erection and then it does not last long. How do I help him with this problem, which we have never come right out and talked about, without hurting his feelings or making him more self-conscious about this already? Should we see a doctor, try Viagra, or what?
A: I am not familiar with the effects of Zyban on sexual desire and erectile function. But smoking does seem to inhibit sexual functioning in some men. Also, for many men and women desire levels, sexual responsiveness including the period of time required for full arousal, the ability to sustain arousal and the ability to experience intense orgasm begins to change with age and hormonal shifts. There are ways to address these changes. Since your husband has already addressed the issue of his health by losing weight and trying to quit smoking, he may want to consider one of the homeopathic or herbal supplements that stimulate testosterone production. These reportedly have few side effects and are less costly than Viagra. Check with a natural health practitioner for recommendations.
I am guessing that you are feeling helpless and concerned about how to talk to your husband about this issue. Talk to your husband vulnerably about your feelings. Do not blame, analyze or criticize. Gently ask him if he is willing to talk with you about his feelings about the issue. Hopefully, communication will begin in this way and you will discover ways to express your deeper truth to each other and partner each other in new ways that build trust and intimacy. A new level of intimacy often leads to renewed passion! You may also want to consider couple's counseling.
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Dr.Josie
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The following question is answered by Johanina Wikoff, Ph.D. also known as "Dr. Josie." She is an author, lecturer and international workshop presenter. Dr. Wikoff will answer questions submitted to questions@tantra.com.
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