Now I Can Last - how to get my girlfriend to last?
Q: I have a bit of a problem!! Since I started practicing tantra and using the Kama Sutra, my confidence in the bedroom has risen beyond my wildest expectations. I can now last for hours, but my girlfriend finishes before me and goes to sleep. She says it hurts her after a while. I am left feeling frustrated and have to finish on my own. How can I let her know without hurting her feelings that I want her to be more wild? I don’t mean to sound outlandish but I want to release the inner beast in her! Thank you for any help you can give me.
-- M.T., New York City, NY
A: Dear M.T.:
You’re caught on the horns of a real dilemma. Couples get into a groove, a set of habits, just as individuals do. When you start to change, there is no guarantee that your partner will change along with you. She might change at a different rate, or change in a different direction. She might not want to change at all. This is true not only sexually, but in any area such as changes in religious or spiritual beliefs, psychology or self-development, or physically fitness.
Regardless of what changes – whether it’s your sexual drive, desire or interests, you will have to face your partner and talk about your differences. Communication is the best sexual lubricant. Discuss the changes you’ve gone through, your frustrations, and your ideas for coming back into alignment. Make it collaborative: “This is our problem as a couple. Let’s figure out how to solve this together.” You clearly don’t want to hurt her feelings, but holding back your truth is clearly not working. The goal is to tell the truth as kindly as possible, but not hold the truth back. There’s a big difference between, “I have needs that aren’t getting fulfilled and I need your help” and “You’re not meeting my needs and you need to change!”
Everyone has an “inner beast,” but most people prefer that it stay hidden or buried. We have all been programmed to be nice, and to keep our deepest feelings underground. Your partner will be able to let her inner beast out only when you are providing a solid, safe space, when she is confident that you will keep loving her through the potentially difficult process. If you’re not providing a solid container to hold her through the process of beastie-release, it could be dangerous for both of you. Get support from a psychologist or trained tantric coach if you’re not confident in this territory.
We love to think that there is a silver-bullet solution to our problems: “All I have to do is __X__ and then she will be different and everything will be fine.” I don’t know of any instant solutions. Relationships are complex, uncomfortable, challenging, and growth inducing. You have to go through the tough stuff to get to the other side. But it’s worth it: On the other side are deeper intimacy, more love, compassionate care, and honor of our deep humanity. I recommend Susan Campbell’s books such as Truth in Dating and Saying What’s Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success. She provides expert advice on how to have those uncomfortable conversations. Telling the truth and becoming more authentic is one of the fastest paths to deeper intimacy and more profound ecstasy!
Lion Goodman is an Evocateur, one who evokes the best in others. He is the author of Menlightenment: The 4 Qualities of an Irresistible Man, and a founder of The Tribe of Men, a men’s community in the San Francisco Bay Area (www.TribeOfMen.com). He is a professional life and relationship coach, and he teaches workshops around the world with his partner, Anodea Judith. His website is www.EverydayAwakening.com. Send your questions to: Menlightenment@Tantra.com.