A: Perhaps you have heard the story about the passionate couple who put a coin in a jar each time they made love the first year they were together, and took one out each time they made love in the years to follow, only to find there were still coins in their jar well into their relationship years. In my counseling practice one of the most common complaints that couples have is low sexual desire.
There are several components to consider:
When we fall in love and lust with another our bodies produce chemicals that support our heightened interest in sexual intimacy. You may have noticed that your need for food and sleep was less important in the beginning of your relationship than being with the object of your desire. These endorphins begin to change between eighteen and twenty-four months after couples settle down together. Some anthropologists think that this pattern corresponds to early human mating and reproductive patterns. Around two years of cohabitation, another set of endorphins kick in that have a more calming, sedating quality. The serotonin-like chemicals create a feeling of well being and foster security. It appears that passionate sex happens in a climate of newness and has an element of unavailability. Consider how many people seek passion outside of marriage or keep the passion going through various forms of challenging circumstances; long distance relationships, jealousy, fighting and making up.
What I am saying is that passion ebbs and flows in a committed relationship. It is inevitable that the hot sex of the beginning of a relationship will change over time. Sex becomes less intimidating when we don't feel that every sexual encounter has to be a major event complete with sky rockets and lightning bolts. Sex becomes easier when we don't feel that every time we begin to touch and caress each other we have to go all the way to intercourse and orgasm. Tenderness, sweetness, knowledge of each other's bodies and responses, warmth, holding, and caressing times build intimacy between partners and can be the mainstay in a long term committed relationship. In a committed partnership hot passionate sex often occurs when couples make a break through in their relationship and see each other in a fresh light. If your husband is always too tired to make love, and it isn't because he is overworking or has a health problem, it is time to have a heart to heart talk about sex and why it has become a problem in your relationship.
