Q: I can't orgasm easily by myself and it's virtually impossible with a partner. I have a hard time concentrating and it requires detailed fantasies. I'm ashamed and frustrated and wonder if it's bad karma to fantasize about abusive things. I do find that these fantasies get worn and need more detail and more shock appeal as time goes on. It's like I have to keep on raising the stakes.
A: Many people learn to use fantasy to orgasm. Often fantasizing begins during masturbation with a favorite fantasy and continues into partnered sex. While there is nothing whatsoever inherently wrong with making fantasy a part of a rich sex life. The problem is that it can come between you and the experience you are having with your lover. Orgasm is an experience of letting go - of surrendering to the pleasure and the profound intimacy of sexual connection. When there are things on your mind, it is impossible to be as present as you need to be to have orgasmic sex. Get the things that are in the way out of the way. Talk to your lover about what you are feeling. And then practice open-eyed love making, a daring and intimate practice that surpasses even fantasy.
The following question is answered by Johanina Wikoff, Ph.D. also known as "Dr. Josie." She is an author, lecturer and international workshop presenter. Dr. Wikoff will answer questions submitted to firstname.lastname@example.org. Ask A Question
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